The Board of SnideUK consist of the following personnel:
Chairman of the Board - Lennie "Crackers" McVitie
Lennie McVitie is a natural leader with years of experience, who thrives on the cut and thrust of the corporate battlefield. He earned the epithet ‘Crackers’ during the infamous Counterfeit Custard Cream Wars fought in London’s East End during the late 1960’s.
Following a period of time spent away from the business, McVitie returned in the 1980’s and consolidated the fake industry in the UK, through a series of hostile take-overs. His success encouraged further aggressive expansion, with a number of very hostile take-overs and finally some downright vicious ones.
Though always willing to take talented individuals under his wing, Lennie operates a no nonsense approach to his business and will not tolerate failure. However his approach obviously works as not one person has ever come forward to complain about his methods.
Head of IT - Tudor "Whizz Kid" Canibag
The youngest member of the SnideUK board, Tudor Canibag is a technical wizard.
He first came to prominence when he built his own computer from scratch aged 10 and when featured on Jazz Biscuit ITV’s short-lived answer to Blue Peter, he hacked into the presenter’s bank account live on-air and highlighted all the withdrawals used to pay for upkeep of her illegitimate child.
After leaving college with a degree in computer science, the personnel files of all the lecturers he didn’t like and a number of candid photographs of girls he did like but who did not like him, Canibag moved quickly to set up his own on-line business.
Backed by a sudden, then constant injection of funds, Tudor’s business expanded in a number of interesting directions, but it was his trading operations that drew the attention of SnideUK.
Feedback on Canibag was amazing, and there was so much of it. The board issued instructions for Canibag to be head-hunted, and when Lennie McVitie offered to bring him on-board, it was an offer Tudor could not refuse.
Business Development Director - Evyline "Morticia" Garotte-Onesto
Although a quiet operator, Evilyne Garotte-Onesto is a powerhouse, whose imagination for dreaming up new products knows no bounds and is backed up by an almost forensic knowledge of how things work.
Starting young, Evilyne experimented to find out how ants walked and how flies flew, before going on to study and attempt to improve mechanical devices as diverse as the guillotine, the crossbow and nutcrackers. Moving forward, her secondary education was a little more conventional.
Unusually, Evilyne approached SnideUK for a job directly, bringing with her a raft of ideas for toys and recipes for producing Vodka and other beverages from unusual materials.
Away from the commercial environment, Evilyine is a keen horticulturalist with a particular skill in growing Dionaea Muscipula. Her renown is such that she has displayed her plants at Chelsea, however she has not returned since 2003 and the unfortunate incident involving a six-year old child getting too close to her prize specimen. The child’s nose was successfully grafted back on.
Marketing & Branding Director - Bob "Branded" Bunco
If Evilyne was to cut Bob Bunco in half he would have Snide written throughout him like a stick of rock.
No-one has more enthusiasm for our business and the products we sell than Bob, some would say he would even die for the company. Bob personally wears, consumes or tries out every product marketed by SnideUK, with Evilyne by his side taking notes.
In branding terms no one can match Bob Bunco. With little more than a pad and some crayons, Bob can copy a logo in under 5 seconds and where he can’t remember it he has been known to buy a real product, scan it and return it to the shop he bought it from; all by himself.
Bob Bunco was scheduled to appear on the first series of The Apprentice, however he was ejected shortly before filming commenced when Sir Alan Sugar noticed the sticky label Bob had stuck over the name of the person the CV really belonged to.
Chief Financial Officer - Cuthbert "The Conjourer" Honeydew
Who better to protect SnideUK’s finances than the man who won't tell anyone where the money is.
Cuthbert Honeydew’s career has been a series of financial success stories, beginning with his unique strategy of withdrawing the balance of his account directly from the branch the day before opening it.
In these days of creative accountancy, fiscal prudence and tax efficiency, no one is more suited to SnideUK’s corporate model than Honeydew. What he can do with numbers would make Johnny Ball’s ears fall off and his ambition is to try it out. He has already practiced on a VAT inspector.
Staff working under Cuthbert report that he is fair but can be demanding. If people accede to his demands everyone is happy.
Health & Safety & Customer Service Director - Vince “The Surgeon” Squarciare
Vince Squarciare really made the twin jobs of Health and Safety Director and Customer Service Director his own the day his predecessors mysteriously resigned citing hitherto unknown knee trouble.
Squarciare had worked in both spheres prior to joining SnideUK. From 1982 to 1990 Vince had been in charge of Health and Safety for a small family business in New Jersey, but moved on after a series of unfortunate boating accidents. Taking a Customer Service role in Las Vegas, Vince developed the people skills that marked him out as a man to take notice of. He arrived at Snide UK with a list of references as long as your arm.
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