I am proud to announce that this morning SnideUK and our consortium partners have approached Newcastle United Football Club with a view to taking over the company.
By now Mike Ashley should have received an e-mail from the desk of the figurehead of our bid team, Mrs Precious Manabatundi the widow of the former Governor of the Central Bank of Zambouti. The communication outlines how the consortium has a sum of at least $500 million in cash held at the bank in Kofinanan and that with Mr Ashley's help, the money could be paid into his account within days, no questions asked.
I am certain that Mr Ashley will be clicking on the reply address absolutelynotascam@snideuk.org any minute and as soon as he does our Technical Director, Tudor Canibag, will be making the necessary preparations for the transfer of funds to take place.
SnideUK's Chief Executive, Lenny 'Crackers' McVitie said in a statement:
"There are lots of areas in which we feel SnideUK and Newcastle United are complimentary, and not just through connections to Magpies. Like the Toon Army, many of our customers are regularly disappointed by the product they pay hard earned cash for.
"Many of our most successful lines are a complete let down despite offering a pretence that they will perform well and our proven track record of buying and selling things which seem to be the real deal and a bargain but soon turn out to be complete rubbish means we are uniquely positioned to offer Newcastle a level of continuity that its supporters crave.
"Another benefit is that supporters will be able to continue to accuse the club of being run by a 'cockney mafia', although of course this time those accusations will be closer to the mark.
"Should SnideUK's takeover of Newcastle United be successful, we have exciting plans to roll out the distribution of replica kit to all our retails units. Obviously these will be Snide products, however we will still be expecting to the 'official' supplier to give us money to have their logo emblazoned on all versions of the kit! Back of the net!"
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Stop press
It seems another consortium is making a take over bid for Newcastle. SnideUK deplores this new consortium entering the fray bringing as they will the distinct possibility of stabilising the club and making it a success on the pitch. This shows scant regard for the proud traditions of the club and will also deprive the football loving public of Britain of its premier comical sideshow.
If SnideUK are unsuccessful in our approach to Newcastle, we will undoubtedly consider taking over Tottenham Hotspur as they are truly a criminally pale imitation of a football team at the moment and would therefore sit very nicely in Snide's portfolio.
Cuthbert Honeydew
Chief Financial Officer
SnideUK
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