SnideUK

Snide Vodka - A blinding drink for any occasion!

Now that summer is nearly over, it is time for SnideUK to be looking ahead, finding new products to make pitiful imitations of and of course finding a new twist to some of our old favourites.

As Mickey has mentioned we have already launched the season's football kits, and already there are customers out there trying to get their money back because the sleeves have fallen off or they've got a tiny,little rash from the dye we use. Ooh diddums, my heart bleeds for them.

As everyone knows with the nights drawing in people will be looking towards Bonfire Night and Christmas and these are big sales opportunities for SnideUK. Naturally there are toys to bring a smile (albeit brief) to the faces of British children, but why should the adults miss out on the Snide fun?

That's why every year we have a big push on Snide Vodka. Of course we like to keep the product fresh -in a business sense obviously, we couldn't care one iota if it's rancid, we don't consume it - so we do like to use different branding.

For our last push we used the Glen's branding and I must say the distribution went well, although as ever the spoilsports did start bleating, simply because it had a tiny little bit extra methanol. I was most disturbed that they pointed out that real bottles of Glen's had 'AGC' embossed on the glass; I had given orders that our bottles should have ACG on them. Just a little joke, although I secretly hoped to hear about that bunch of 'milk-monitors' being raided. How I would have laughed!

Anyway, this time around we have launched Snide 'Spar Imperial Vodka. Unfortunately we have been unable to impress upon Spar itself the benefits of stocking our product, but it is already finding its way around the country.

To make sure it is proper SNIDE stuff here's what to look out for.

1. Our bottles are far cheaper (too cheap) than the 'real' Spar stuff.

2. It's not for sale in a Spar shop.

3. Our vodka smells like nail varnish. My fault I'm afraid, still I had a spare bottle so my nails were fine.

3. Our bottles  are Quinn Glass featuring the code QI:1445c . They also have a  smudged (deliberate!) inkjet code which looks like 102234 04/08/02.

4. Our VAT seals don't light up in UV light.

Oh and don't be put off by the whingers and moaners simpering that our product may poison you or even blind you. That's what vodka is for, getting you blind drunk or paralytic, right?. And a little spell in hospital is just what everyone wants to get over a party!

Evilyne Garotte-Onesto
Business Development Director
SnideUK

The New Footie Season (Second Half)

Oh yeah, and another thing, you know Chelsea...?

Mickey Nomark
Head of Sales
SnideUK

The New Footie Season (First Half)

There's nothing quite like the start of the football season for excitement, everything is fresh, new players have arrived and for fans of every team there is that feeling of hope and expectation. At least until September and you are still waiting for your first victory, your new Bulgarian centre forward has gone awol complaining about the rain and the quality of the potatoes and your Chairman has put his full backing behind your Manager. But that's for later.

August is the time to rush out and buy the new season's kit and wear it with pride before doing so risks humiliation. So like the Managers, we have had a busy pre-season finding out the new designs of kits (great work on the internet, Tudor!), copying them, producing them and getting them to our retail outlets. Of course we don't manage to get every detail right and quality can occasionally suffer but time is of the essence.

Actually when I say quality occasionally suffers I am understating it a bit, quality is fairly atrocious the majority of the time. Last year we thought the Rangers outfit was okay; and it did seem to be holding up well but then just came apart at the seams over a couple of weeks. Seemingly it couldn't cope with any sort of tension. Still you know what, we don't care; try bringing it back for a refund!

One of the things our 'rivals' say is that by buying SnideUK football kits, you are denying the team you support income. But as I see it, they would only waste it anyway, it's far better the money goes to us. On top of that, of course, it could be argued that our actions are helping to level out the football leagues, because we concentrate on the big teams and therefore it is them that lose the most. We are indeed providing a public service.

Mickey Nomark
Head of Sales
SnideUK

Snide customers want branding!

At SnideUK we live or die by our branding. Well, some of our customers die, but not usually because of our branding, and very seldom due to our clothes. Although I wouldn’t suggest taking our nightwear too close to a naked flame, or indeed wearing it on polyester sheets, or rubbing it too hard. But still branding is very important to us,

Without paying close attention to branding, nobody would buy the fetid dumpster-fodder that we produce. It is brands that people want, we know that and that’s what we give them.

People want branded goods and many don’t want to pay full price, so we sell them ‘branded’ goods. OK, the products we sell aren’t actually the same products, are not as good, have none of the design quality, the manufacturing quality control or use the same materials. They do however have the all important logo on them - and that is all that matters!

The power of branding is immense. All hail the brand!

Now some amongst what we at SnideUK call the ‘forces of reactionary protectionism’ carp on and on about the brands we use being ‘owned’ by someone else; that they are their ‘intellectual property’. They ‘say’ that these so called brand owners have invested time and money to build up their brands, that their brands generate demand through this investment in quality, design and marketing and that for this they have the right to receive the rewards that the brand earns.

Obviously we have a well-considered counter argument that answers these points. A thesis that has the entire intellectual capability of SnideUK behind it and one that is unanswerable by the proponents of liberal do-goodery.

Whatever! like we care!

Bob Bunco
Marketing & Branding Director
SnideUK

Bad News from Somerset

With market conditions already difficult, it is unfortunate to say the least to have to announce a serious blow to our trading position in the West Country.

I am therefore extremely irritated to reveal that an entire shipment of our products has 'gone missing' in Somerset. Whole shipments falling of the back of lorries/ships or even retail outlets does not help SnideUK's revenue one little bit.

That the 'theft' of these items has been made public may also have a knock-on effect on market confidence. In other words, Mickey Nomark might get a bit nervous next time he's down in Taunton or Yeovil and have to keep looking over his shoulder.

I'm sure that our Managing Director, Lennie 'Crackers' McVitie, will have a thing or two to say about this when he returns from his "working vacation" in China.

Cuthbert Honeydew
Chief Financial Officer
SnideUK